I woke up early this morning, a promise to spend time with my guy before he drove to Chicago for the day. The text on my phone, sent from downstairs, said: Chai, darling? Of course, yes. Usually he leaves for work at 4:30am so a cup together at 6am? A rare treat. Now he is on his way north and here I sit in this dimly lit house with only my thoughts and this cat in my lap for company. I wonder as I pet him, which of us derives more comfort from it. Slowness. There is something almost spiritual about slow, quiet mornings. And this morning a need to capture the feeling with only my phone so as not to disturb the moment.
The stillness allows me to hear my thoughts much more clearly than I might the rest of the day. I am thankful for this. It gives me time to think about what I want this day to look like. I try to balance out the needs and the wants. I need to go to yoga, I need to do some painting, I need to clean the floors. I want to sit in a cozy corner and read, I want to play with my camera, I want to sit in a bookstore. I want to work on a project in the studio. A luxury to have choices.
Somehow the needs always win out. I'm looking to change that. I know it is only up to me. He tells me all the time that I need to take time to do the things I enjoy even as I wage this life long war against guilt. I know that it is imperative that in the end I win. Must learn to practice saying yes to myself as I would say yes to everyone else. This shouldn't be so hard.
I'm feeling nostalgic this morning. We celebrated our big girl last night, our dear, delightful Maddie. I'm just stunned that she is 23, a year older than I was when I had her. She has grown up so much and I think especially in the last 6 months. I am so very proud of her. She was responsible for my first stretch marks, gray hair and sleepless nights and also responsible for teaching me about unconditional love, true joy and pride. She is vibrant, hilarious, outgoing, dramatic, loyal and beautiful. Inside and out. I'm enjoying watching her settle into adulthood and her work with autistic children. She has come into her own. My wish is that she could see herself the way I see her. In fact we would probably all be better off if we could see ourselves through the lens of those that love us.
It is getting light out but I am not ready to give this quiet moment up quite yet, so I will close this laptop, open my book, and settle in until the kitty leaves, giving me permission to get up and get on with my day. I so hope he doesn't leave for awhile.
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